How Hunting Can Help Men Improve Their Emotional Conversation Skills
- Jun 30
- 10 min read
Twelve hunting tips for a deeper connection with your partner
Early on in my relationship with my partner, I remember sitting together in a restaurant at the end of a workday that hadn’t gone well for me. When my partner noticed that I was feeling a little out of sorts, he frantically started trying to find ways to elevate my mood. His efforts had the opposite effect, making me feel like I needed to immediately perk up and pretend that I was in a “happy place.”
Sometimes that’s OK, but there are times when emotional work just seems too exhausting, especially after a trying day. So I told him, “I see that you are trying to help me, but please don’t feel responsible for my state of mind. I am working through things. It’s not your problem to solve. Sometimes it is what it is, just give me a bit of time.” He relaxed, and I slowly came out of my head funk thanks to our lighthearted conversation and a lovely dinner.
When it comes to supporting a loved one, the safest bet is to ask the question: Do you want to be hugged, heard, or helped? Then, just wait until your partner chooses one of the three options. For me, asking this question works better than saying something like “help me help you” (unless I have chosen the third option: being helped). On that night in the restaurant, I think I would have opted for a big bear hug.
As it turns out, men and women might be wired differently when it comes to their preference for one support approach over another. The same is also assumed to be true when it comes to engaging in emotional conversations about relationship matters. Men, it is thought, prefer to work through emotionally-charged issues through activities (or “intelligent actions,” as some coaches for men like to refer to them), and women presumably tend to favor having someone with whom they can talk through their emotional difficulties.
Research shows, however, that this difference in “wiring” turns out to be more a function of nurture than nature. To be more precise, both nature and nurture contribute to this distinction, but nurture (socialization and cultural expectations) plays a much larger role. (1) This is not surprising, as most of us have learned about gender differences in the context of past societal role divisions that have led to binary thinking based on gender.
As an example, let’s examine the general hypothesis that men were hunters and women were gatherers. When it comes to emotional expressiveness, this perspective has been used to conclude that men needed to act together in silence, so fight, flight, and freeze responses were wired into their behavioral nature. Women, on the other hand, just chatted away during their gathering activities and while they performed their caregiving responsibilities.
More recent archaeological discoveries have shown, however, that women were also involved in big game hunting. (2)(3) Additionally, findings indicate that some gathering roles were physically demanding (e.g., when foraging over long distances or digging deep was required), making men better suited for the task. In other words, getting the work done was not a matter of who did what, but how it was done. (4)
Role division assumptions, such as those applied to the hunter-gatherers, have been extrapolated to emotional conversation skills. Most of us assume that these skills are more highly-developed in women than in men, akin to the idea that men are better than women at math. Regrettably, the mainstream media and pop psychology tend to reinforce this kind of binary thinking. Generally, the differences in emotional conversation skills within a gender group are larger than the differences between men and women.
From another point of view, it is not necessarily ability that accounts for differences in the emotional communication skills of people, but rather their preferred style of emotional expression.
Even today, many boys and girls continue to be raised according to dated values from bygone times when patriarchal societies ruled. This gives girls a head start when it comes to emotional conversation. Boys, on the other hand, are tasked with finding ways to express their emotions in line with masculine ideals.
Unfortunately, traditional norms of masculine expression tend to support the display of anger as a primary way of channeling emotions. These gender-based discrepancies in childrearing cause men to be more reserved, show a preference for embodied emotional expressions, and openly resort to anger (often out of fear of losing respect if they show more “vulnerable” emotions). In extreme cases, such “masculine” behavioral patterns manifest as intimate partner and domestic violence. Women tend to express emotions more openly and verbally, and revert to displaying sadness or fear (often feeling unheard and/or misunderstood).
These differences in emotional expression styles come at a high cost for partners who are not able to translate each other’s emotional expressions. Recent research has indicated that after divorce, men often point to their lack of emotional conversation skills as the reason for the breakdown of their marriage. (5) Not wishing to make the same mistakes in their new relationships, these men often look for ways to improve their emotional communication.
As Planalp points out in her 1999 book “Communicating Emotions”(6), emotional communication skills are not easy to master, as people often find themselves juggling three objectives simultaneously. First, we want to accomplish a task, for instance, solving a relational problem. Second, we want to present ourselves in a certain way, for instance, projecting caring but not weakness. Finally, we want to manage the relationship, for instance, by deepening our connection.
Emotional communication will fluctuate depending on the level of importance we allocate to each of these goals. The more meaning we attach to a goal, the more emotionally engaged we become with it. One person might be more emotionally attached to solving a problem, while the other might place more value on their self-image. When emotions run high, people tend to communicate emotionally rather than communicating about emotions. In other words, they emote, but they do not necessarily explain how they feel, what they feel, or why they feel it.
Since most women are at an advantage (thanks to their upbringing and societal norms), men are required to put themselves in a vulnerable position when they attempt to align their emotional communication skills with those of women. Knowing this, men would do well to cut themselves some slack and permit themselves to show up as learners when relational problems arise, rather than viewing themselves as the “problem to be fixed,” or as “the fixer of the problem.”
Because society views women as being more adept at handling emotional conversations, and because it has been perceived as a soft skill that doesn’t scream masculinity, training on emotional conversation skills tends to be viewed as something “real men” don’t need. Truth be told, some of the training methods aimed at men are actually based largely on how women have learned to express their emotions. Therefore, finding a training that men feel is within their comfort zone and aligns with their masculine ideals is not easy.
At the risk of perpetuating gender-based binary thinking, I would like to propose an example of a training environment that might resonate with our hunter-gatherer theme.
Imagine sitting around a campfire with your mates, beer in hand, while discussing how you successfully hunted down and subdued a testy emotional disconnect in your relationship. Would that make emotional communication skills training a bit more masculine? As they say, there’s nothing like telling hunting stories by the campfire.
Men, too, can become skilled hunters who know how and when to engage in emotional conversations without causing damage. Here’s a proposed list of hunting tips that will teach you how to blend emotional communication with the mindset of a wise, strategic hunter:
Hunting Tip #1: Know Your Quarry
In hunting, knowing your quarry means understanding the animal’s behavior, triggers, and preferences. The same can be said for relationships. In order to successfully “hunt” for latent, unresolved issues within a relationship, you need to have a good understanding of your partner’s emotional landscape, triggers, and communication style.
Hunting Tip #2: Scout the Area Beforehand
In hunting, scouting the area ahead of time helps you to anticipate potential tactics and challenges. Likewise, pre-conversation scouting helps you choose a time and place where you both feel comfortable and free from distractions. Additionally, consider your own feelings, needs, beliefs, and intentions, and those of your partner beforehand. Ask yourself whether the conversation’s goal is to share an emotional experience or to send or receive an emotional message that carries within it a request for a behavioral change.
Hunting Tip #3: Remain quiet and stealthy
When you are in the middle of a hunt, the slightest sound or movement alerts the game animal to run and seek safety. Patience is key. During an emotional conversation, calmly listen to and validate your partner’s feelings and perspectives so as not to trigger a fight, flight, or freeze reaction. This is not the time to react, fix, or interrupt. Instead, it is time to be mindfully in the present. Don’t be afraid to request the same conversational space from your partner when it is your time to speak.
Hunting Tip #4: Use Camouflage Wisely
In hunting, camouflage isn’t about disappearing, it’s about blending in with and understanding your environment. When it comes to emotional conversations, blending in means showing up as yourself but in a way that suits the conversation. People have the tendency to mask the way they are truly feeling in order to avoid conflict or appear vulnerable. “Camouflage” wisely by regulating your emotions, feelings and moods, not by hiding them.
Hunting Tip #5: Treat Every Gun as if it is Loaded
When hunting, you need to treat every gun as if it’s loaded because it can go off accidentally with disastrous consequences. The same can be said about dealing with emotionally sensitive conversations. These types of conversations are “loaded” with feelings of frustration, fear, anger, and painful memories. A careless remark can trigger the expression of these emotions in an unregulated way, often impeding the path to reconciliation. Potentially explosive emotions should not be avoided, but rather approached with safety and caution in mind.
Hunting Tip #6: Hone Your Strength and Sharpen Your Aim
Hunting requires strength training to carry your hunting gear, endurance to cover long distances, and practice to improve your focus, aim, and reflexes. In relationships, you need mental strength to carry the emotional load without becoming overwhelmed by frustration, anger, or fear. You also need to practice choosing your words carefully and expressing yourself in a way that would lead to connection instead of alienation. You cannot just “fire off” a response and hope it will hit the mark. Using “I” statements (I feel that…) to express your emotions helps to prevent your partner from feeling defensive.
Hunting Tip #7: Timing Is Everything
Planning and timing your hunt well can spell the difference between success and failure. Great hunting skills are of little use when you choose the wrong time. The same is true in relationships. In emotionally sensitive situations, understanding when to say something is just as important as knowing what to say. Read the room to time your responses, suggestions, and requests for optimal effect.
Hunting Tip #8: Use The Environmental Conditions to Your Advantage
In hunting, you have to pay attention to changes in the environment and the weather to adapt your strategy and tactics, as these conditions influence the behavior of animals. In relationships, it is just as important to monitor the emotional conversation “conditions” of the moment. Conversations can take unexpected turns. For instance, if the conversation takes a positive turn, you can adjust your approach and maybe even come up with a courageous proposal.
Hunting Tip #9: Follow the Rules and Be Ethical
Hunters are required to adhere to ethical standards to ensure that hunting remains sustainable and enjoyable for all. In relationships, being honest, respectful, and fair is just as essential. Ethical communication means refraining from manipulation strategies such as silent treatment or weaponizing vulnerability. When you show up with integrity, you build trust.
Hunting Tip #10: Don’t Exceed Your Limit
In hunting, overhunting a spot can lead to diminishing returns. If you hunt for more than you need and don’t give nature enough time to recover, eventually there will be no game left to hunt. In relationships, when a conversation or emotional discussion has reached its natural endpoint, don’t go back again and revisit it. Don’t fall into the trap of over-discussing or rehashing the same emotional issues over and over. This behavior takes a toll on both you and your partner. Know when to step back and allow space for rejuvenation.
Hunting Tip #11: Protected Species and No-Hunting Zones
Certain species are designated as protected, and no-hunting zones are created to safeguard sensitive ecosystems. In conversations, especially emotional or sensitive ones, stay mindful and respect boundaries and “protected areas” that people have in their lives. Don’t push these boundaries when your partner is not ready to discuss subjects that are “off-limits,” as these are often painful, private, or not ready to be shared.
Hunting Tip #12: Find a Hunting Guide
Learning from experienced hunters can provide you with valuable insights and techniques. In relationships, when you find yourself struggling with emotional communication, be courageous and ask for the support you need. Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and support. Join a men’s group and connect with men who have a healthy relationship and are open to discussing these subjects.
PS: I am not suggesting that hunting is just for men; women may also enjoy a different take on improving their own emotional conversation skills. Either way, I hope you enjoyed reading the article.
References:
Oliffe, J. L., Kelly, M. T., Gonzalez Montaner, G., Seidler, Z. E., Ogrodniczuk, J. S., Kealy, D., & Rice, S. M. (2023). Pathways and Patterns for Communication with Intimate Partners: Men’s Retrospectives After a Relationship Breakdown. Men and Masculinities, 26(3), 472–494.
Planalp, S. (1999). Communicating Emotion: Social, Moral, and Cultural Processes. Cambridge University Press.
